12th House Journal

 

1997

This was definitely a time of endings and also beginnings.  I was finishing up my contract at the Telecom company and about to start with a new contract for a lot more money at another large company.  There were also endings and beginnings on the relationship front since it was during this period that I took that action (listing on Match) that allowed me to meet my husband a few weeks later. While I don't have any record I think he emailed me on the 9th though we didn't meet until the start of the first house.

 

Wednesday, January 01, 1997 

New Years Day.  Went to bed at 9:00 last night but still a wonderful evening.  I awoke from a dream about Tom at about 3:00.  The dream was so vivid that it felt as if we'd actually celebrated the New Year.  I snuggled up next to him and it was as if he was really there.  My normally bad memory was able to accurately recreate the feeling of his body and his presence.  I told him I was just interested in being with him and wasn't interesting in anything else (like sex)  Somewhere in this interchange he told me that he loved me and we both laughed and said 97 was going to be a great year.  We did start to make love but the dream wondered off in another direction leaving us both simply enjoying being together to bring in the new year. 

How very strange that my feelings were as if I had really spent the new year with Tom.  I considered for a few minutes actually giving him a call but knew even if he was home that that wasn’t the right way to handle it.  I've never been sure why it always seemed that we shared a connection that transcended the physical but it seems to be true and it's nothing that would benefit from picking at or analyzing

Thursday, January 02, 1997 6:20 AM

I’m definitely getting enough sleep.  I’m waking up at my normal time but I can’t seem to wake up enough to get out of bed and I don’t feel rested.  I never got into the office yesterday as I’d planned.  Spent the whole day working on my journal for this solar year.  Don’t know if it really accomplished anything.  Today is the first day I’ve assigned as the 3 months to spend working with the 10 of swords.  Normally that would be a terrible thought but Janet and I had already agreed that we’d use the failure of PACT as our paper for the conference in October.  The paper is due in just a few weeks. 

If I want to continue journaling like this I’m going to have to get up at 5:00 or else write at night.  The commute to Marlboro throws my timing off.  The key thing to do today is to get the bills mailed so I don’t end up making yesterdays effort for naught. 

Friday, January 03, 1997  5:50 AM

Actually woke up a little before 5:00 which was the time I said I’d need to wake up if I was going to continue to keep this journal and record my dreams.  No difficulty waking up, but still no energy to get out of bed.  I’d go right back to sleep now if I could. 

I’ve got the halogen light on and that does seem to help.  I’ve been focused on the dawn machine but now I’m not sure if I really need to spend the money.  Two timers on my two little lamps might do just as well.  Or maybe there’s an electronic gadget that will turn on multiple lights.  I’ve gone back to taking the L-carnitine in the morning.  I think it does more than just control the hypoglycemia.  Bought two books on Fibromayalgia and chronic fatigue.  Strangely enough reading from fatigued to fantastic actually sounds encouraging.  If I actively pursue some of this stuff I might actually get better.  Yesterday was actually a good day once I got up and got going.  Actually had enough energy to go get cat food and to stop at the grocery store as well as finally drop off the clothes at the good will. 

Need to get going or I’ll be late to work.

 Only thing I didn’t do yesterday was start on my conference paper.  I called and got the information faxed to me.  

 

January 1, 1998

 Question: What will be my perception of the coming year 61 Centering in Truth going to 25

Friday, January 02, 1998

 Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  Trite statement but it makes its point.  I was reading one of Edding's books last night and one of the things that struck me was how many years Belgardan spent learning to do something.  Accepting that I too have been a slow learner and that there are changes I need to make in my life where do I go from here and what am I going to do differently this year that I haven't done in the past to make the change.

Friday, January 03, 1997

Actually woke up a little before 5:00 which was the time I said I’d need to wake up if I was going to continue to keep this journal and record my dreams. 

I've moved to England for a while, six months or so.  I have a job, though the circumstances around it are somewhat fuzzy.  I think it started out as an independent position, that then moved to employee, with the understanding that it would still be for a short period of time, since in May I'm going back to the States to get married. 

 I'm standing in the kitchen with some of my English friends (we're having a party) -- it seems I live with them  rather than have my own place.  I'm explaining my circumstances to some other friends and then the situation gets a little strange.  For some reason the next scene is of my sharing a hide-a-bed in the living room with Mark McEuen.  The plot line of the dream becomes very confused at this point in time.  On the one level of the dream the man is Mark McEuen, Judy's husband, and there are no sexual overtones at all, which is why we're in the living room instead of my bedroom.  At another level he "represents" someone who is my lover.  I tell someone I'm sorry I sold the house in Tewksbury before coming over to England since I'm going back in May, but I realize even as I say the words that it isn't true and I still own the house.  The dream shifts back again to me lying in the bed with Mark, wondering what's going on?

 Commentary --

 England -- I have said I want to live in England for the last 25 years at least.  I seem happy there in the dream.  The situation had apparently gone through some changes but they had been fine and I was quite ready to go home in May and go on with the next part of my life.  The current scenario, as of last night at 5:00 is that I'll take McKenzie from Ted and do that and Wise for the next 3 to 4 months.  April is their world wide role-out. 

 

2001

Found this in one of those generic columns but it made sense as a possible 12th house symptom.

It could be you suffer from S.A.D. - Seasonal Affective Disorder. You can look it up on the Internet, talk to your doctor about it. People with S.A.D. suffer each winter because of the change in the angle of the Sun. You may find that exposure to bright light in the mornings helps improve your mood. You may also have had a trauma in the past around this time of the year - a loss of some kind which triggers feelings on its anniversary.

 

2002

New Moon in TWELFTH HOUSE (Capricorn)

This month marks the end of the Lunar Year for you, where you have one more month of working out the old issues during this New Moon cycle. This is a time to get ready to be reborn anew, during the New Moon NEXT month in your first house. Focus now on how you want to approach your next cycle, and work on removing any mental or psychological obstacles that stand in your way. The twelfth house rules the subconscious realm, and can be an excellent time for holistic healing work and many forms of therapy. The twelfth house represents the unconscious drives and urges that greatly affect our lives even when we are not consciously aware of them, as well as our desire to "return to the womb" and become "one with everything". A great time for spiritual and meditative practices, as well as all forms of therapy or holistic healing.
 

2003

I don't remember another year that so epitomized the depth of winter darkness.  I spent days locked in the house because of ice and snow (we're in the Pacific Northwest and that doesn't happen here.).  Mom's health is getting much worse and she's becoming increasingly unresponsive.  The hospice people have brought in a hospital bed and it's clear we're going the next step.  My thoughts have been very centered around death, dying and winter.  I don't really know what to do to make any of this better.  I've recorded a 7 hour CD for Mom so that she can always have music in the background, now that she's confined to bed.  I also went out and got her new sheets and a quilt for the hospital bed.  My goal is to keep things has cheery and as comfortable as possible.

Much of the mercury retrograde is in my 12th house

Mercury retrograde in Capricorn affecting your TWELFTH house;
With Mercury retrograding within your twelfth house, you are drawn into your own internal dialogue. You are looking at your own inner world and how much it is dictated by the outside career direction and it has impacted your whole life. You have been very busy with looking at your self through your business and career path and now need to revise your view point. You are not your career, you have your own world and it is important that you create your own internal world regardless of the outside business status. There is so much more. As Mercury retrogrades back into Sagittarius, you will be looking at your business direction and the narrow options that have been allowed to you and you will gather speed and break out of the restrictions that have been placed upon you. You are ready to make another huge change and transition in your life and you are on the threshold of doing so. Once Mercury turns direct, you will march right over to your new options and determine your right to make your own choices.

I also noticed for the first time that Vega is in my 12th house.  I wrote a slightly longer entry on that than would fit on this page

2004

Seems the 12th house just gets too busy to keep a decent record. The biggest shift was that I started working again after almost a year off.  I was down in California at a client where I never seemed to understand exactly what they wanted me to do and how to make them happy.

Detailed Journal

2005

Seems there's a grand square that is dominating everything during this house.  All I know is that it hasn't been a great time.  Lethargic and generally discontent.  Not a pleasant feeling around the holidays.

Saturn, Mars. Neptune and Jupiter are all at odds.  It's hitting my third/ninth and 1st and 7th houses.

This cosmic tension demands that we stand at the crossroads of life, faced with both obstacles and opportunity. At this place we can re-create the very shape of our lives or rededicate ourselves to our chosen path. But it is not comfortable. It is a crossroads where we relinquish the comfortableness of the status quo for the prickly, dissolving, confusion that is the letting go of what we know. In order to make this Grand Cross work for us we have to be able to know where we want to go, and what we want instead of what we have. 

It's demanding enough to strive for even distribution of our energies and attention between two opposing planets. But add more planets, at 90-degree angles to square those two, and every direction you turn, there's some other issue to consider… some obstruction to the solution you thought you'd found… another alter ego you forgot you had, chiming in to complicate matters. Inner equilibrium, in this context, seems almost like a pipe dream.

2006