Journey to Dub: The Hiatus

June 7,. 2004

Cieenenen (my horse and boon companion) and I headed out toward the high country in Dub.  I can't remember how long its been that I've known how to ride the black wind any where I wanted to go. Twelve or fifteen years would be my guess though I've rarely taken advantage of it. Most people end up outside the gates of the monastery if they even reach Dub at all and even I have occasionally fallen under the spell of distraction.  This time though there was no problem, confusion or delay.  My goal was simply to go and think and any spot in the cold northern wastes would do.

As I road, I found myself wondering what happened to the last year.  I thought I was well on the path to receiving my Key.  I knew that all that remained was the formality but then all forward progress ground to a complete halt.  Where did I lose a year of my life?  What happened to my will and my energy?  It seemed that there were a few more rituals I needed to pass through.  Burying my mother and acknowledging in my heart what Rosmerta had told me a year ago, and what Athena had confirmed just a few days ago -- that my allegiance would always be to her.  That some things in life are fixed and that once claimed we can't undo them.  That it is not up to me to chose how and where I will serve but it is at her behest that I answer the call. She has used me harshly over the years but then that is part of why I was chosen.

Dismounting I perched on a rock and took a moment to ponder my own denseness.  The Question or should I say Questions are Who Are You?  And Who Do You Serve?  I had worked hard to answer the first and I thought I understood the answer to the latter but I was wrong.  As of today I finally understand that the only answer I can give the council is "I will serve the whole of the land of Magh Ildathach as it pleases my Goddess Athena."  By her will not mine....

Do those words trouble me?  I think they did in the past. 

After all, Pagan though I may be, I'm neither superstitious or stupid.  We're only talking about archetypal energy patterns here.. Not something real.  Even Athena, who clearly has a grasp on modern consciousness isn't real.  I mean not in the sense the Greeks saw her -- as a real goddess... 

Except that she is real and I've only just acknowledged it with no corner of my mind or heart questioning what I've always known.  A year ago when Rosmerta said that Athena would be presenting me to the council, I was completely derailed.  I knew the words were true when I heard them but I wasn't ready for what it meant.

So with my thinking done I call Cieenenen back to me and ride back to my home in Nglas.  Maybe now we can get on with the next step in obtaining my key.